Patricia

You know how you want things even though you don't need them? I just really want a new dresser set but I know it's frivolous and I should NOT be spending my money on furniture. Still, I'm trying to make my space into MY space, y'know? I'm getting there but having this old, ugly brown and green dressers and night stand is clashing with the feel of my room.

Ugh, I know I can do this later in life but I want it today.

The worst thing about depression is that people who don't have it have absolutely no idea.

Like, I feel absolutely worthless all the time and if anybody laughs at even a little problem I have I feel like I'm overreacting and stupid.

Everything hurts my feelings and I'm anxious about everything.

Fuck, most of the time I think Samantha hates my guts even though we've been best friends since I can remember and in my mind I know she doesn't. I feel like I'm an inconvenience to everybody. I feel like I cost too much, take too much time out of peoples lives.

And it's just the worst because sometimes I'll be happy but then it's taken away from me in a moment for no reason.

And I don't want to tell people my problems because they either won't understand or they'll think I'm imagining it.

It's damned frustrating and fucking up my life. I feel like I can't even communicate with people anymore.

And I feel depersonalization so much it makes me spin. I feel like I'm watching my life like I'm sitting in a movie theatre looking at the screen with no control in what goes on.

And I went from being happy from crying about two minutes ago because I was talking about how I don't like to close and then go into work at 8 because when I close I get home at 10 and need to wake up at 6. But since I didn't have any days coming up that were like that my parents laughed and it was like I fell into a pit of horribleness and I felt stupid for complaining.

Holy shit, I am so much work and I don't even know why people bother with me.

working full time is hard. I want to live in a cave that has free wifi and a magic food machine. help me

I'm sort of bald... and behind on my school work. Amazing.

I don't know how to write London anymore. She was supposed to be the person I wanted to be. There was no fear in her but now I don't know what I want to be. I don't know which skills I'm lacking so it feels so alien to write with her and try to find a face to fit her because it all seems so blurred.

I might just have to drop her for good and try to find a different character.

London was what I needed when I was in high school but now I don't know what I need.

Hey Patty! It's been a while! I need to make more time to drop by often and give a few updates. I hope you're well, please remember that I'm around if you need to talk or text! My number is still the same. :)

Congrats on the scholarship, by the way! That's amazing!

And I understand about it feeling weird to write London. I absolutely hate Lisette - like with a burning passion. It's who I desperately wanted to be like, and I put a lot in her that I now feel are very immature. I cringe just thinking about it. But we grow up, and change. London may not be what you need now, and you may not know what it is, but I don't know if anyone does.

You're not alone there...

Take care, hun!

There seems to be a pattern with me and my mother.

We were heading to the renaissance faire and I wanted us to stop by the eye doctor so I could get a loaner pair of contacts. When she thought we were going to be late she tore in on me. I felt terrible and she even made fun of me for crying. When we arrived right on time she loved on me again.

We were having dinner today and then we get home and she says I ruined her cake pans when trying to bake her a cake. I looked at them and there's absolutely nothing wrong with them. I assume we're going to be fine tomorrow...Or at least one of us will be.

I had a suicidal thought today. I'm not going to act on it. I'm too scared. But please,please,please be nice to people. I need niceness right now. I might go over to the Nichols tomorrow because Sam's mom almost made me cry yesterday when she told me she was so proud of me. It's be a long time since somebody has told me that.

Oh hun, I'm so so sorry to hear that! I'm glad you're not going to act on it, but please please take care of yourself. Be kind. Be gentle. Don't pay attention to the negativity. I'm so sorry hun. I wish I could be there to hug you and just be there for you. I am very proud of the young woman you've become, too. I hope things have gotten easier.

Much love, Liz.

This week I am going to group therapy from 10-4 every day. I'm supposed to learn coping skills there and they are managing my medication so I'm hopeful. I was having suicidal thoughts for a bit but they are gone now and I am trying to work up to tell my parents once I feel like I can open up a bit more.

Not that my mother was every super terrible in relation to my mental illness, but she has turned around so much. She's starting to initiate more contact with me and is very supportive even as I go through a weird time right now.

School has me stressed and was probably one of the major causes of me feeling suicidal and I'm starting to think of taking a break and focusing on mental health. Maybe try to get a job at a hospital and get my own place until I decide to go back to college on my own dime and time.

I'm trying to remain hopeful but sometimes it's hard. If you're religious please pray for me or something. I would like good vibes.

Wow. So much has happened since January. Really.

In February I was diagnosed with cancer. It's a pleomorphic spindle cell sarcoma.

I've gone through four rounds of chemotherapy. It's been pretty rough on me.

Right now I have a surgery scheduled for the 11th of this month. It was originally supposed to be at the end of last month but I got an MRI and they found six spots on my liver, a lump in my breast, and spots on my lower vertebrae and hips. I got my liver and breast biopsied and so far the lump in my breast is benign but we're still waiting to hear back about the liver.

After surgery they want me to go through 3 more rounds of chemo and then see where we stand but I get a month's break after surgery before that happens. I'm glad for the break because this last round of chemo really hit me hard and I'm finding it hard to recover as fast as I did the first three rounds.

Anyway. I might get on here and write some more because most of the time I'm bored out of my mind and watching TV all the time is not very productive. Thanks for reading and all. I'm so glad that you're all in my life in some way or another.

Geebus...I thought things had been rough for me. I feel for you, and if you need someone to write with, I'm around. Or if you just need someone to talk to, or listen to you, I'm here~